Why Did I Get Married?

This last Christmas I spent the holiday at my grandfather’s with my extended family and every single mealtime, guess who got stuck at the kids’ table! Me. This in spite of the fact that I am more than ten years older than my Uncle’s blushing bride and exactly the same age as my brother’s wife. Never mind the fact that I have been financially independent and basically lived on my own for more than four years. It didn’t bother me much because my grandfather is old and he’s allowed to be old fashioned. But it did get me to thinking.

If you are a young woman between the ages of 23 and 30, living in Africa, chances are you are either married or seriously thinking about it. If you are indeed married, I hope you are happy. But if you are above 25 and still single, like me, let me talk to you for a minute. You have married friends, of course you do. Possibly you have more of those than the single ones. Yes you envy them and their settled life every now and then. When you spend time with their powder-sweet, pink-cheeked babies you wish you could trade places.

But when you really think about it, when you really consider who you are and who you want to be, you know that now is probably not the time for you. You have enough trouble committing to furniture let alone an actual person forever. Or maybe you are indeed ready to settle down and you are painfully aware of the lover-shaped hole in your universe. But still you know that you are yet to meet somebody that makes you feel like you could make the forever kind of promises.

I just want to tell you that it’s okay. You don’t need a husband or children to validate your existence. These are good things and can maybe even be great things but it’s also all right not to have them. You may be thinking, I’m a strong independent woman; of course I know it’s okay. And you probably fake the okayness really well on the outside. But we both know that a lot of the time it’s just that, faking. And when you go home, you wonder whether it really is or whether your would-be life is passing you by.

I’m telling you this right now because I had the privilege of spending a bit of time away from home and familiar things recently and it gave me the opportunity and space to really reflect on who I am as an individual and what I’m about and to tell you the truth I was very surprised by what I found. For one thing I have always been the strong independent type (or so I have been told) but I was shocked when I looked back on my dating decisions in the recent past. They had begun to have the faint whiff of panic and desperation. A panic that is entirely unfounded given that I am only 27 and have hopefully lived just close to one third of my life. But still, I had allowed myself to date a few people that I should never in my right mind have given the time of day. Despite my strong independent exterior, I do not live in a vacuum and I guess the external pressure had begun to color my thinking. One can only receive so many hints and pointed sighs from one’s mother or aunts without starting to feel the pressure. One can only attend so many baby showers and bridal showers without wondering if they are going to float forever. And it’s so easy when that is all we are surrounded with to get into that mental place where we actually start to believe it. To believe that at 27 you are old and late to the marriage and settling down party.

Thankfully I took the time to really think about what I want out of life and I arrived at the same conclusion that I had all those years ago when I decided that I would always live life on my own terms. I realized that I have only recently began to understand who I am as an individual and I would never have arrived at that place if I had had another person in my life actively influencing my thoughts and choices. I realized that I would not have enjoyed this time away quite as much if I hadn’t been single. The choices, the options, the possibilities… I realized that I cherish the freedom that comes with knowing that my life can fit into two suitcases and I can be packed and ready to move anywhere in an hour. And all of these things I realize, add up to exactly who I imagined I would grow up to be (minus a few kilos of course, but we are getting there). It took taking a step back and reflecting on things to come to the realization that I am indeed single and happy and I don’t have to validate that choice to anyone. And that realization has helped me to think about what is really important to me. The relationships I actually cherish and never have enough time to cultivate, with my friends and family. All the things I could be spending my time doing instead of going on endless dates with people I know do not deserve my time. At the end of the day we all only have a finite amount of time and how we choose to spend that time is the true reflection of how much our life is worth to us.

I call bullshit! 

But I’m telling you this because I know it can’t be easy being the single friend all the time. Especially in a world where you are basically not an adult unless and until you are married or have children. I call bullshit! How many people do you know who allowed themselves to get sucked into that lie and wound up bound forever to a life they never really wanted? How many friends have you watched give up their own personal dreams and ambitions to disappear into the role of wife and mother. What about all the friction and unhappy homes that are the result of ill-conceived unions between ill suited people?

This is not to say that getting married younger is wrong or ill advised. I just want to say that it is ok to be a twenty-something, thirty-something, forty-something happy, single, woman living in Kampala. And if you do get that occasional loneliness when all your friends are off doing husband and baby things, feel free to call me because I am always up for a few drinks… As for me, if I do get married, it’s going to be because I am hopelessly in love and I cannot imagine my life without that person. And if you do get invited to my wedding you will know it’s true because the love in the air will be so palpable you will almost taste it.